BAA 10KHa. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

No, that’s not the sound of laughter. That’s the sound of my huffing and puffing through the tree-lined streets of my suburban Boston neighborhood. The day is perfect for running. Cool, but not nippy and a woman pushing a baby carriage waves at me with a me with an encouraging smile. I’ve become a regular here. And dare I say, I’ve become a runner. I qualify those words with the irrefutable fact that I am terrible at it, and often it leads to more soreness than I have ever experienced, even after five years of Crossfit. Oh, and did I mention, I hate it? Largely because I’m awful at it and loath that familiar feeling of the fat on my body vibrating with every step I take; like a glass of water on a counter top before the aliens swoop in.

More than running or my lady shake (what I call the fat jiggle) I hate being out of control of my body.

After my mother died this December something changed emotionally (of course,) but physically too. While I used every tool at my disposal,and even those I kind made up, to emotionally process losing my mother at the age of 54 in literally a snap, my body is staging a full scale revolt. I’ve gained 15 pounds, suck wind at the gym and no matter how much I calorie restrict, alcohol restrict, sugar-restrict, I can’t shake the weight. So I turned to running in the hopes it would help. It hasn’t. At least for weight loss.

I was feeling especially defeated after a run one day so I decided to call up one of my best friends for some running advice. She’s a tri-athlete, Crossfitter and Immno-biologist with a PhD (I only hang out with the best.) But she reminded me running can be a therapeutic experience and help lower my cortisol levels, which are likely a huge factor in my personal battle of the bulge.

“Crossfit is like fighting a dinosaur,” she said. “It’s an amazing workout, but it’s probably not gonna lower your stress hormones. But running at a steady pace; trying to meditate a little and going for a good amount of distance could help.”

The girl has smarts. And I think with patience and longer fat jiggling sessions, I could become a runner that likes running. At the very least, I’ll be able to run a 9-minute mile for longer than 1 mile. Or at this point, run just a 9-minute mile.

I’ll keep you updated!